Things could be steamier in the bedroom, ay? Would you believe me if I told you that I get asked about sex all. the. time. From young women who are trying to break through their limiting beliefs about sex to women who are trying to relight the spark after having a baby and sometimes it's moms who are raising multiple kids, being a supportive partner, and haven't had sex in years.
*moment of silence for all the lost orgasms, take as long as you need, tissues are to the right*
Sex is so important. From an emotional standpoint, to a biological standpoint, to a mental health standpoint, and a physical standpoint. SEX IS IMPORTANT. Even more important is raising sexually responsible and sex positive tiny humans, but that's another story for another day. If you are an adult and you aren't having sex, I want to know why the f*ck not?! "Not having anyone to have sex with" is not an answer, so try again. Get online, order a sex toy that gets you going, and have sex with yourself. Seriously.
If you are someone in a relationship and not having sex, skuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt (insert Cardi B with a Pepsi), shut the front door. Not only do you have you, but you have another human that you can have sex with and you're not taking full advantage of that luxury?! There's no excuse. Also, another conversation for another day, but we need to flip this script right now. The first step is to find out why, then you need to figure out your goal. Next build that bridge to connect the two. Map it out. This often looks like conversations that need to be had, fears/worries/concerns/anxieties that need to be worked through, boundaries that need to be set, feelings that need to be expressed, and two people that want to re-spark their sex life.
If your partner doesn't want to reestablish sex, throw the whole partner out and try again. (somewhat joking, but also not....will you just never have sex again?)
Weekly Date Night or Dinners Around Town?
Nicholas and I are quite nerdy when it comes to going out. We have cool dates, but we also really enjoy geeking out! Our favorite dates are usually things that have variety because we like to geek out over different things or sometimes its for the environment/experience.
One of the biggest things I can share about using date nights as a way to get the sparks flying is do something new and novel. Use this as an opportunity to push yourselves as a couple to new boundaries. Stop going to dinner and calling it a date night. You have to eat to live. Going to dinner is a great way to spend time together, but spending time together isn't our goal here. We are trying to get the sparks flying and the bed rocking.
Doing new and novel things on dates often comes into conversation when we are talking about misattribution of arousal. Now, this idea states that the novelty and "excitingness" of a very fun, thrilling, and emotion filled date (think of a first date to a theme park) can cause you to misattribute the oxytocin and endorphin rush as love rather than as what they really are, a thrill. Basically it means that we can believe that emotions stems from a specific source and in all actuality, it isn't the cause of the arousal.
BUT! When we understand this idea and we are in a committed, stable relationship, we can use this to our advantage! We can intentionally place ourselves in the path of novelty to illicit those same hormones and rushes within our bodies. Since the relationship is already founded in love, it will stimulate an arousal in which you will channel towards your partner.
Get Jazzy! Get Excited! Get Sexy!
If you are in Boston, these are our favorite date nights and places that we love to frequent! If you are not in the Boston area (or even the US), I hope this list at least gives you a starting point and gets your wheels turning about what you can do as a couple to get back to a fulfilling sex life!
The Museum of Science- we love to go to the MOS! The exhibits are very cool and it never fails that we learn something fascinating. Plus, it's a nice way for me to see deeper into Nicholas' intelligence. He has so much knowledge that blows me away. I always find myself questioning, "How the heck did he know that?!" For me, intelligence is one of the sexiest traits a man can possess. Check, please!
The aquarium- we both find the water very calming and I am obsessed with aquariums. They never get old for me and Nicholas is kind enough to follow after me, watching me ohh and ahhh over the same clown fish, hammerhead sharks, and eels. This, too, is just another reminder to speed up my walking and get back home! Who can resist selfless love like that?!
Ax Throwing- we just did this and it was one of the most fun dates we've ever done! It's competitive, but also active, and hilarious (as long as neither of you have an extensive ax throwing background).
The Museum of Fine Arts First Fridays- we've never been, but we have friends who have and apparently it's lots of fun! Music, food, drinks, etc. It's on our to-do list! If this doesn't do it for you, check out their other events. We have plans to go one of these days and I can't wait, honestly!
Top of The Hub- go for dinner, go for drinks, go for just apps! We've done it all. This is a beautiful view and always makes us feel so sensual! It's very upscale and has a dress code meaning business attire. It's a restaurant at the top of the Prudential Center and overlooks the city! It's breathtaking at night--make reservations!
CandlePin Bowling- This is so fun! It's a pizza place, too, but you can just bowl. The atmosphere is super chill and we love that it is surrounded by other cute stops like a tea shop and a burger joint!
Regular Bowling- we do this a lot! We love bowling and there's an arcade, too, which can bring a wonderful competitive edge and is the perfect chance to throw in winner's choice of what happens in the bedroom tonight...best two out of three??
Dollar Oyster Night- Yummy, and aphrodisiacs... do I need to explain anything else?! Hello! Here's a great list of places that offer $ oysters!
Arc4de (pronounced: arcade)- This is a very happening bar in somerville. It's an adult arcade. We also go here often. The drinks are novel and, again, the competitiveness of playing arcade games against one another is just the perfect time to turn things up and get the sparks flying.
Plant Nite- we did this two years ago and it was a blast. The people were fun and the instructor did not give two sh*ts so it made everything lighthearted and we got extra plants. I killed the plants, but our love survived!
Browse Eventbrite: like I found this funky, yet intriguing little gem. Could be a bust since it's at a library (what kind of crowd will it be? unpredictable), but also could be so cool because it's at a library.
X1 Boston- this one is all for thrills! It's a go-kart experience like no other as it's actual F1 formula go-karts! We have tickets and are waiting for an open weekend to go!
Spa Day- this spa continues to pop up in my search! They have extremely reasonable prices and allow you to relax together as a couple. Not all spas will let it be co-ed relaxing.
Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum- this, too, continued to pop up into my search, but we've never gone. They have free events and a membership, plus public events on the weekends!
Improv Asylum- this is, hands down, my favorite date night we do. We are big comedy club fans and laughing is my favorite sport. Improv makes me laugh harder than anything and the folks at Improv Asylum know what they are doing. I've had beer come out of my nose more than once.
An Escape Room Experience- there are so many to choose from and there are also other companies that do this same idea. Find one that lights you two up and go! This is a great chance to work together as a team to beat the clock and "escape" a themed room! It can be great fun, beware, depending on your communication styles, it can also cause a fight which would accomplish the opposite of what we were trying to achieve.
Institute of Contemporary Art- every Thursday, 5-9pm, they have a little (free) shindig with food and music and art! Very low key, but takes you out of your ordinary routine. These type of events are great for setting "conversation boundaries" so that you can control the energy. These might look like off limit topics (work, the upcoming move, the stress with your mother-in-law) or topics prompted by future thinking. Here are a few forward thinking prompts.
- Picture your life 10 years from now and discuss
- Would You Rather game
- Parenting styles for when you have kids
- Make a bucket list of travel vacations for your lifetime
- Imagine you found a suitcase of 10 Million Dollars, what do you do? (Turning it in to the police is not a choice) You get to decide if you have to hide it or you are okay to have it. Actually, you get to decide everything else
Remember, Your Body is Working With You
The biggest key to using date nights as an effective way to keep things spicy is to use the novelty factor as a way to illicit the arousal that comes along with doing something new and thrilling. Remember, your goal is to do activities that make you excited, thrill you, and illicit different hormones than you experience everyday. A dinner at a restaurant you've been to a million times isn't going to do that.
Be fun. Be adventurous. Be the sexual being that you know you are deep down inside. Ignite that spark and let it burn, sister. Let it burn so bright that people can't help but notice the glow.
Tune in to Episode #37 of The Tranquility Tribe Podcast found on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, and GooglePlay.
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