The Voice of Miscarriage
What's the voice sound like?
Like humans, miscarriage has many different voices; despair, loneliness, sadness, guilt, hatred, anger, and shame to name a few. However, for some, the voice of miscarriage can change over time. I have watched this happen to numerous couples. It's important to note that miscarriage will have different voices for each partner, too (and anyone else involved such as expectant grandparents or expectant siblings).
I began supporting people--couples, parents, and families--in their infertility journeys because I saw a need for compassionate care. I saw a need for human connection; for a space to be held for them to express any emotion, any worry, any fear, any anger, any hatred, any loneliness and still feel safe and supported. The road to parenthood isn't always an easy or happy one. The road of infertility and conception challenges is filled with hospitals, medical professionals, bright lights, intrusive procedures, sterile environments, and waiting periods. This discovery, and hearing hundreds of stories of devastation and desperation, led me to support those who are walking along this path.
I recently read a book that described the journey of infertility as an island; lonely, somewhat desolate, and removed from society as we know it. The piece of "removed from society" led me to think why? Why is miscarriage and infertility such a taboo topic? Why don't we support those struggling with this? How does this silence affect those struggling with infertility or conception? What does this silence and the pressure to never share your story say to those on this journey?
I started on my own journey to find this secret island I had learned about. I wanted to bring with me open arms to embrace those in need, ears to hear anything and everything needed to be said, a strong shoulder to lean on, a gentle voice to say, "I'm here," and my body to just hold space.
I started on my own journey to find this secret island I had learned about. I wanted to bring with me open arms to embrace those in need, ears to hear anything and everything needed to be said, a strong shoulder to lean on, a gentle voice to say, "I'm here," and my body to just hold space.
Listening...Intentionally.
Listening...Intentionally.
I'm going to share with you a story of loss and devastation of one of my friends. She tells her story so eloquently. Through her story you can see the raw emotion of miscarriage. You will also see the emergence of fearlessness and, for her, the faith that brought her through.
"My name is Mary Margaret Robbins, and I am a Christian, wife, mommy, and SLP from Mississippi. This is my story about fear, heartache, faith, and hope surrounding my miscarriage and the subsequent birth of my rainbow baby. Ever since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mama. Call it the southern belle in me. I got married at the age of 21 right before I started my master’s program, and baby fever kicked in almost immediately. . I’ll never forget how I felt when we decided to start trying to have a baby during my last year of school. We were so giddy and excited, and I immediately got pregnant the first month we tried."
Taking a pregnancy test and seeing two lines can be one of the happiest moments of your life. Some people try so hard to get to this moment. For some, it is a very intentional process. When you are 6 weeks pregnant, your pregnancy is considered "clinical," but any point before this the pregnancy is referred to as a "chemical pregnancy." From this moment on, it's possible, that you might alter your lifestyle. You might begin to think more intentionally about the things you put into your body and what you expose yourself to. You may decide to cut out caffeine, purchase all natural cleaning products, avoid certain herbs, and have someone else clean the litter box. You may decide to decrease excessive exercise or decide to start a prenatal exercise routine. You might be more conscious of things you do like gardening and getting your hair colored. Whatever it is, I'll bet that those two positive lines change your life in one way or another.
"I took a pregnancy test on this Friday morning and surprised my husband that afternoon with a pacifier that said “I love Daddy.” He couldn’t believe it, and the smile on his face was priceless. We were both so ecstatic, but when you’re a person who is prone to worry, it doesn’t take long for the fear to creep in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks, I lived in a state of constant worry instead of joy over my baby. So much so that I would check my panties for blood every single time I used the bathroom. During a time when I should have been rejoicing, I was overcome by fear."
An estimated 90% of miscarriages that occur in the first trimester are thought to be due to chromosomal problems (determined at fertilization). 10-15% of pregnancies that are developing normally by 6 weeks gestation will end in spontaneous miscarriage (research s. The risk of miscarriage continues to drop from this moment on as the pregnancy progresses. By 11-12 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage drops to about 1-2% (1, 2). By the 15 week of pregnancy, your chance of miscarriage is 0.6% (3). All of these numbers are based on the assumption that all is typical ("normal") at prenatal appointments and you don't have any other risk factors influencing your pregnancy like previous miscarriage (25% risk of miscarriage if you've already had 1 or more miscarriages (2)), advanced maternal age, vaginal bleeding and--believe it or not--lack of nausea.
Even knowing that the odds are in your favor and that most spontaneous miscarriages are due to chromosomal issues, walking around with a little bit of fear that never completely goes away is quite common. Many expectant parents will tell about going to extremes they may never have done otherwise like diets and daily rituals like "nesting."
"My
biggest fear came true a week from the day we found out about our sweet baby.
As usual, I went to the bathroom and there it was. The
blood and cramps I had secretly been expecting that whole time had appeared and
wouldn’t stop for several days, a constant and very vivid reminder of the death
of my baby. I remember laying face down on our bedroom floor begging God to
please not take my heart’s greatest desire from me, to please let my baby live,
to please let us be parents. We spent over 8 hours in the emergency room, waiting,
praying, hoping, hurting, and eventually knowing that it was over. We cried and
cried that night. I remember being so numb yet feeling everything all at once.
There’s no way to adequately describe how lonely and devastated I felt. When I knew the baby was gone, I felt so empty, so alone."
I'm going to share with you a story of loss and devastation of one of my friends. She tells her story so eloquently. Through her story you can see the raw emotion of miscarriage. You will also see the emergence of fearlessness and, for her, the faith that brought her through.
"My name is Mary Margaret Robbins, and I am a Christian, wife, mommy, and SLP from Mississippi. This is my story about fear, heartache, faith, and hope surrounding my miscarriage and the subsequent birth of my rainbow baby. Ever since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mama. Call it the southern belle in me. I got married at the age of 21 right before I started my master’s program, and baby fever kicked in almost immediately. . I’ll never forget how I felt when we decided to start trying to have a baby during my last year of school. We were so giddy and excited, and I immediately got pregnant the first month we tried."
Taking a pregnancy test and seeing two lines can be one of the happiest moments of your life. Some people try so hard to get to this moment. For some, it is a very intentional process. When you are 6 weeks pregnant, your pregnancy is considered "clinical," but any point before this the pregnancy is referred to as a "chemical pregnancy." From this moment on, it's possible, that you might alter your lifestyle. You might begin to think more intentionally about the things you put into your body and what you expose yourself to. You may decide to cut out caffeine, purchase all natural cleaning products, avoid certain herbs, and have someone else clean the litter box. You may decide to decrease excessive exercise or decide to start a prenatal exercise routine. You might be more conscious of things you do like gardening and getting your hair colored. Whatever it is, I'll bet that those two positive lines change your life in one way or another.
"I took a pregnancy test on this Friday morning and surprised my husband that afternoon with a pacifier that said “I love Daddy.” He couldn’t believe it, and the smile on his face was priceless. We were both so ecstatic, but when you’re a person who is prone to worry, it doesn’t take long for the fear to creep in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks, I lived in a state of constant worry instead of joy over my baby. So much so that I would check my panties for blood every single time I used the bathroom. During a time when I should have been rejoicing, I was overcome by fear."
An estimated 90% of miscarriages that occur in the first trimester are thought to be due to chromosomal problems (determined at fertilization). 10-15% of pregnancies that are developing normally by 6 weeks gestation will end in spontaneous miscarriage (research s. The risk of miscarriage continues to drop from this moment on as the pregnancy progresses. By 11-12 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage drops to about 1-2% (1, 2). By the 15 week of pregnancy, your chance of miscarriage is 0.6% (3). All of these numbers are based on the assumption that all is typical ("normal") at prenatal appointments and you don't have any other risk factors influencing your pregnancy like previous miscarriage (25% risk of miscarriage if you've already had 1 or more miscarriages (2)), advanced maternal age, vaginal bleeding and--believe it or not--lack of nausea.
Even knowing that the odds are in your favor and that most spontaneous miscarriages are due to chromosomal issues, walking around with a little bit of fear that never completely goes away is quite common. Many expectant parents will tell about going to extremes they may never have done otherwise like diets and daily rituals like "nesting."
"My
biggest fear came true a week from the day we found out about our sweet baby.
As usual, I went to the bathroom and there it was. The
blood and cramps I had secretly been expecting that whole time had appeared and
wouldn’t stop for several days, a constant and very vivid reminder of the death
of my baby. I remember laying face down on our bedroom floor begging God to
please not take my heart’s greatest desire from me, to please let my baby live,
to please let us be parents. We spent over 8 hours in the emergency room, waiting,
praying, hoping, hurting, and eventually knowing that it was over. We cried and
cried that night. I remember being so numb yet feeling everything all at once.
There’s no way to adequately describe how lonely and devastated I felt. When I knew the baby was gone, I felt so empty, so alone."
Someone Else's Struggle is Scary, but Isolation is Scarier...
In my journey of learning about infertility and supporting those facing these challenges, I began to understand how lonely and isolating this journey was for people. I began to see exactly how those feelings (the voice of miscarriage) begin to creep out and rear its' ugly head. BUT, I failed to understand why it is a taboo subject? Why instead of asking people to share their story and lending a helping hand, a word of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold--we instead walk away?
Because it is uncomfortable. We say the wrong things because silence is scary. We shut it down because we don't know how to empathize with that particular situation. We don't ask because we are afraid of the answer. We don't hold their hand for fear that their touch might be colder than we once remembered.
Instead, we leave those most in need... alone and in a time that they are already as alone as alone gets. WE walk away because it makes US uncomfortable to hear someone else's struggle and a story that may not have the happy ending that society has taught us eventually happens for everyone..... wrong.
Because it is uncomfortable. We say the wrong things because silence is scary. We shut it down because we don't know how to empathize with that particular situation. We don't ask because we are afraid of the answer. We don't hold their hand for fear that their touch might be colder than we once remembered.
Instead, we leave those most in need... alone and in a time that they are already as alone as alone gets. WE walk away because it makes US uncomfortable to hear someone else's struggle and a story that may not have the happy ending that society has taught us eventually happens for everyone..... wrong.
"The
holidays made it even worse because I didn’t want to be around anyone,
especially my family members who knew but who didn’t know what to say. I was in
a dark place of heartbreak and anger for a long time, anger aimed at God who
took my baby from me, at a nurse who said the wrong thing at the wrong time,
and at my husband who I thought had “moved on too quickly.”
Miscarriage and Infertility are quite common... So why do parents feel so alone when they suddenly realize they are standing on this island--an island inhabited with hundreds of other people, but no one is your "neighbor." How do you find the strength to keep going when you're walking down a populated street, but no one is beside you? What do you have that you can hold onto that will carry your forward?
"I
went for a checkup after the miscarriage to an OBGYN who I had never met
because my previous doctor had just been diagnosed with cancer. I remember
sitting there in tears, dreading the appointment with a complete stranger, not
wanting another reminder that my baby was gone and my womb was empty. We
started talking and she said that she would recommend that we wait a few months
before we tried again because she said that we needed to mourn the loss of our
baby. When she told us to wait, I said
that wouldn’t be a problem because I didn’t know if I would ever be able to try
again because I could not go through this again, and then she said the word
that has forever changed my life—“fearless”. She told me that I needed to
mourn, but that I also needed to move forward fearlessly."
Finding the courage to try again can look different for everyone, but once you start looking for signs (when you're ready), it might hit you like a ton of bricks. Around every corner, you'll find a reminder that you are courageous. Seemingly innocent commercials on TV will reignite your sense of self and sense of worth. When you least expect it, you will see that you are able. You were chosen to live this life because you are strong.
"The next morning, I decided to open my Journey devotional book for the first time since our baby died, and
the devotion and Bible verse for the day were, of course, about fear. Every single day after that, I was overwhelmed
with the word “fearless”—in songs, in devotions, in sermons—it was everywhere. I
began to share the story of losing our baby and how I felt like a crazy person
but firmly believed God was speaking “fearless” into my life."
When the Storm Passes and the Clouds Fade...
"We
found out that we were expecting another baby, a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby
is the baby born after the death of a child and symbolizes hope after the
horrible storm of loss. This
time it felt so different. Instead of fear, I felt peace. It was a daily battle
to not worry about the life growing inside of me, one that I had to take to the
Lord daily. I
had to consciously make the decision with God’s help to not look for blood when
I used the bathroom, to not become fearful whenever I had cramps, to relax with
peace when the doctor was doing an ultrasound. We
had our gender reveal party. We had decided on the name Emma for a girl and
Jace for a boy. We found out that we were having a baby boy and were so
excited. After everyone left, T.J. and I were outside sitting on the porch
step, and he looked up the meaning of “Jace” on his phone. We couldn’t help but
cry tears of joy and praise God when we saw that his name meant “a healing.” Our
sweet rainbow baby, Jace Douglas, was delivered through natural childbirth,
while I wore a bracelet from T.J. with the word “fearless” engraved on it. I
remember holding Jace Douglas for the first time on my chest. It was the most
beautiful moment of my life."
Finding joy after pain can be one of the most difficult things you'll ever encounter in life. It can feel like you've forgotten about your past struggles or that your new baby will replace the loss you experienced. Telling your story to others may be inspiring to others and help you find peace and compassion for yourself once again.
" [Some studies show] Miscarriage
affects 1 in 4 women—let that sink in. How can we be so silent about something
that is so common? Miscarriage is death; it’s the silent loss of a family
member that no one wants to talk about because it makes them uncomfortable.
Unless people have been through it, they don’t know what to say so they stay
silent, and society has made women think they have to stay silent about it, too.
We wouldn’t keep the death of another family member or even a pet a secret, so
why should women be made to feel like they have to keep their baby’s death a
secret? In fact, most women don’t announce their pregnancy until after a
certain number of weeks because of this stigma. Whenever anything else good
happens, people can’t wait to share the news with everyone, but over time women
have been made to believe that they shouldn’t share their pregnancy news until
“they’re far enough along”. How sad. When a brave woman does share her
pregnancy early on, people gasp in disbelief that she would announce it so
early on because “what if something happened?!” If something does happen, that
mother and father going through the loss of a child need support, love, and
prayers just like people would receive for any other death. Please for goodness
sake, don’t belittle their pain or make it worse by saying things like, “Oh at
least you weren’t very far along,” or “Oh, there must have been something wrong
with the baby.” They need to mourn in their own way on their own time."
And Your Rainbow Appears
"The
hardest but best thing I did after my miscarriage was to share our story with
other people. Talking about our loss with other women helped my heart to heal
and helped other women to be brave enough to share their story with me and ask
for prayers as they try to move forward. 1 in 4… TWENTY-SIX ladies have shared
their miscarriage story with me since I shared about ours, and all they wanted
was for someone to listen to them describe their sorrow or to hear
encouragement that the rainbow is coming. There’s
not a day that goes by that my first baby doesn’t cross my mind, and often
times I cry thinking about our journey, wondering what our baby would be like,
sound like, or look like."
Special thank to Mary Margaret for her courage and bravery of sharing her inspirational story with us. Not only to we hope this helps bring healing to those still hurting, but we hope this helps those who are struggling find comfort and peace in knowing you are not alone. We will hold your hand.
Tranquility by HeHe, A Concierge Birthing and Doula Service in Boston, Massachusetts
"We can't wait to pamper you."
"The
holidays made it even worse because I didn’t want to be around anyone,
especially my family members who knew but who didn’t know what to say. I was in
a dark place of heartbreak and anger for a long time, anger aimed at God who
took my baby from me, at a nurse who said the wrong thing at the wrong time,
and at my husband who I thought had “moved on too quickly.”
Miscarriage and Infertility are quite common... So why do parents feel so alone when they suddenly realize they are standing on this island--an island inhabited with hundreds of other people, but no one is your "neighbor." How do you find the strength to keep going when you're walking down a populated street, but no one is beside you? What do you have that you can hold onto that will carry your forward?
"I
went for a checkup after the miscarriage to an OBGYN who I had never met
because my previous doctor had just been diagnosed with cancer. I remember
sitting there in tears, dreading the appointment with a complete stranger, not
wanting another reminder that my baby was gone and my womb was empty. We
started talking and she said that she would recommend that we wait a few months
before we tried again because she said that we needed to mourn the loss of our
baby. When she told us to wait, I said
that wouldn’t be a problem because I didn’t know if I would ever be able to try
again because I could not go through this again, and then she said the word
that has forever changed my life—“fearless”. She told me that I needed to
mourn, but that I also needed to move forward fearlessly."
Finding the courage to try again can look different for everyone, but once you start looking for signs (when you're ready), it might hit you like a ton of bricks. Around every corner, you'll find a reminder that you are courageous. Seemingly innocent commercials on TV will reignite your sense of self and sense of worth. When you least expect it, you will see that you are able. You were chosen to live this life because you are strong.
"The next morning, I decided to open my Journey devotional book for the first time since our baby died, and
the devotion and Bible verse for the day were, of course, about fear. Every single day after that, I was overwhelmed
with the word “fearless”—in songs, in devotions, in sermons—it was everywhere. I
began to share the story of losing our baby and how I felt like a crazy person
but firmly believed God was speaking “fearless” into my life."
When the Storm Passes and the Clouds Fade...
"We
found out that we were expecting another baby, a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby
is the baby born after the death of a child and symbolizes hope after the
horrible storm of loss. This
time it felt so different. Instead of fear, I felt peace. It was a daily battle
to not worry about the life growing inside of me, one that I had to take to the
Lord daily. I
had to consciously make the decision with God’s help to not look for blood when
I used the bathroom, to not become fearful whenever I had cramps, to relax with
peace when the doctor was doing an ultrasound. We
had our gender reveal party. We had decided on the name Emma for a girl and
Jace for a boy. We found out that we were having a baby boy and were so
excited. After everyone left, T.J. and I were outside sitting on the porch
step, and he looked up the meaning of “Jace” on his phone. We couldn’t help but
cry tears of joy and praise God when we saw that his name meant “a healing.” Our
sweet rainbow baby, Jace Douglas, was delivered through natural childbirth,
while I wore a bracelet from T.J. with the word “fearless” engraved on it. I
remember holding Jace Douglas for the first time on my chest. It was the most
beautiful moment of my life."
Finding joy after pain can be one of the most difficult things you'll ever encounter in life. It can feel like you've forgotten about your past struggles or that your new baby will replace the loss you experienced. Telling your story to others may be inspiring to others and help you find peace and compassion for yourself once again.
" [Some studies show] Miscarriage
affects 1 in 4 women—let that sink in. How can we be so silent about something
that is so common? Miscarriage is death; it’s the silent loss of a family
member that no one wants to talk about because it makes them uncomfortable.
Unless people have been through it, they don’t know what to say so they stay
silent, and society has made women think they have to stay silent about it, too.
We wouldn’t keep the death of another family member or even a pet a secret, so
why should women be made to feel like they have to keep their baby’s death a
secret? In fact, most women don’t announce their pregnancy until after a
certain number of weeks because of this stigma. Whenever anything else good
happens, people can’t wait to share the news with everyone, but over time women
have been made to believe that they shouldn’t share their pregnancy news until
“they’re far enough along”. How sad. When a brave woman does share her
pregnancy early on, people gasp in disbelief that she would announce it so
early on because “what if something happened?!” If something does happen, that
mother and father going through the loss of a child need support, love, and
prayers just like people would receive for any other death. Please for goodness
sake, don’t belittle their pain or make it worse by saying things like, “Oh at
least you weren’t very far along,” or “Oh, there must have been something wrong
with the baby.” They need to mourn in their own way on their own time."
And Your Rainbow Appears
"The
hardest but best thing I did after my miscarriage was to share our story with
other people. Talking about our loss with other women helped my heart to heal
and helped other women to be brave enough to share their story with me and ask
for prayers as they try to move forward. 1 in 4… TWENTY-SIX ladies have shared
their miscarriage story with me since I shared about ours, and all they wanted
was for someone to listen to them describe their sorrow or to hear
encouragement that the rainbow is coming. There’s
not a day that goes by that my first baby doesn’t cross my mind, and often
times I cry thinking about our journey, wondering what our baby would be like,
sound like, or look like."
Special thank to Mary Margaret for her courage and bravery of sharing her inspirational story with us. Not only to we hope this helps bring healing to those still hurting, but we hope this helps those who are struggling find comfort and peace in knowing you are not alone. We will hold your hand.
Tranquility by HeHe, A Concierge Birthing and Doula Service in Boston, Massachusetts
"We can't wait to pamper you."
Cited Sources:
- S. Tong et al., "Miscarriage Risk for Asymptomatic Women After a Normal First-Trimester Prenatal Visit," Obstetrics & Gynecology 111, no. 3 (2008): 710-14
- G. Makrydimas et al., "Fetal Loss Following Ultrasound Diagnosis of a Live Fetus at 6-10 Weeks of Gestation," Ultrasound in Obstetrics & Gynecology 22, no. 4 (2003): 368-72
- P. R. Wyat et al., "Age-Specific Risk of Fetal Loss Observed in a Second Trimester
Serum Screening Population," American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology 192, no. 1 (2005): 240-46
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